I want to say upfront - that though this blog is about my confidence...it's also an area that God has done a really deep work in as well. It's more like - something that was a definite cost...but also something that God has restored as well. I'll write about the COST.
When I speak about confidence...it's probably a number of "things" that I actually have in mind.
"Things" like:
Confidence...Uncertainty...Trust...Second guessing...Suspicious...Even fearful...
All non tangible...living somewhere within. My heart? Mind? Spirit? All the above? I think so...yes - living within each & any at any given time.
If you knew me "before" - you'd know that NONE of the above were issues in my life - at all. NONE. I had confidence & had no fear. Yet, each became something I had to wrestle with & learn to negate their influences over my life. Thankfully, by God's grace...some relearning...some healing...& probably a few other ingredients...I have mostly gotten past each of them. But, like an old nemesis, one or two of 'em, from time to time, tries to creep back in...it's all part of the COST.
Let me delve into my Confidence a little more.
IMO, it's a really complex area that can't be reduced to a saying...or some little cliche. When I talk about losing my confidence, for me, it involves what I know of myself...what I learned about certain others...how some responded to my future being renewed...feelings as well as knowledge. Then, of course, trying to live in what God really has to say about it...after you hear all the other opinions of it as well. It's not easy just walking above all the stuff...don't let anyone tell you that it is. Somewhere within, whatever the opposite of confidence is, at times would just overwhelm me. It's part of the COST.
Confidence is not something that lives in a vacuum. It's tied to the people in your life...their opinions...their responses...their silence...their anger...their love or their hatred...etc. You can have all the confidence in the world - but if people don't allow it - it doesn't go anywhere. So, confidence is also about people having confidence in you too. I'm not talking about every person in the world...that wouldn't be feasible. I'm talking about people that matter to you...those you want to have a positive response from. And those people may or may not be on the positive side at all. That's how your confidence gets rocked even more...when people that matter - don't have confidence in you any longer. You can't just ignore that. It makes you go within & question a lot of things. Again, it's part of the COST.
Then add to that...
Uncertainty. I mean not really knowing anything for sure any longer.
Trust. Not knowing who you can & can't trust. Not knowing some people's agenda - because of having seen some who had/have such nasty agendas...you learn that not all is as it appears. So, though you were not trust worthy, you are also reminded - there are a lot of people who can't be trusted.
Second guessing. Yourself...others...
Suspicious. This is not new for me, it just seems that it took on a bigger role...
Fearful. This would have been the last thing you could have ever labeled me before - afraid. It didn't exist anywhere in my life. But, for a while, it was like a crazy monkey I couldn't get off my back. It showed up in a lot of ways...it would raise it's head from time to time...it took awhile to really kill this one. It was all part of the COST of the life I had lived for too too long.
Thankfully...Confidence is being renewed each & every Sunday. Each & every prayer. Each & every friendship restored or each friendship being formed. God has a way of speaking to that same place where confidence was lost & renewing you/it in a really deep & significant way.
By confidence being restored, I don't mean in some braggadocios or arrogant way. I simply mean, being confident that God really does what God says. He will restore...He will pick you up out of your mess...His grace really is greater than your sins...on & on & on.
By confidence, I mean walking in the knowledge of who I am in Him being separate from what I've done.
By confidence, I mean allowing God to do such a deep work in you...that you know you are finally no longer the person who sinned...you truly have been renewed...reborn...restored.
By confidence, I mean sitting with God & knowing that you & Him are really ok.
Yet, from time to time...it ALL gets tossed back in the air...uncertainty rushes in...questions get bigger than the answers...fear tries to displace faith...Sadly, at times, it doesn't take much...it's part of the COST.
It feels like you become a bit gun-shy...fearful...weary...it's not a good feeling at all.
Then...by God's grace - you are reminded of what you've known all along. God loves you regardless...you are surrounded by people that really love you no matter. And that's all you need to know...for when it's all said & done - that's all you have anyway.
It's really about which of the voices you are going to listen to most...which ones are going to have the bigger influence over you & your life. For me, I choose confidence over fear. I choose friend over foe. I chose God over them all.
With that - I press on...& when my confidence is shaken in any way...I know somewhere God will find a way to remind me...that I can be confident of 1 thing - no matter...
being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you (me) will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ...
by his grace...
b
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