A New Story about Zo

A story about my friend Zo

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Thanks!!!!

I HATE YOU!

I hate you!

That's sound so raw...so mean...so ugly...so uncalled for...so powerful...so wrong.

HATE

What a word.  What a phrase.

Webster defines is as

a : intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury

b : extreme dislike or antipathy

Though the opposite of LOVE, I'm not sure saying, "I love you", has the same "force" as saying "I hate you".

Maybe because, I love you is more commonly used & heard.

When you throw "I hate you" out there - it's like the wheels of the bus fall off...everything comes to a grinding halt.  The earth quits rotating...sun stands till...birds quit chirping.

It's that powerful of a phrase.

The word hate - similar to the word love - is greatly used as well.  As in, I hate collards...I hate it when it's hot outside...I hate Fords...etc.

But the phrase I hate you - now that's like reserved for very very very special occasions or people.

However

As you might know - that's not really why I'm writing this.  I'm certainly not writing to validate the word...or talk about the meaning of it...

NO

I'm writing to find out what it really means when used.

What does "I hate you" mean?

To even say the words...requires an emotional response within...a facial change of expression...even a change in your voice tone...

"I hate you".  It's so strong - it seems to get all over you when you really say it.

It's just plain ole nasty.

How do you know if you hate someone?

What does hate really feel like inside?

How is it played out against someone?

I once heard it illustrated like this.

A man, talking to a friend, said "I hate so & so".  The friend said "really?  Would you save them if they were drowning"?  The man answered "Yes - of course".  The friend's reply was "Then you don't hate them.  If you hated them - you wouldn't save them - you'd watch them drown".

Is that true?

Does hate want the destruction of someone or something?  Or maybe not actively wanting it - so much as passively allowing it?  Or, at least doing nothing?

Is hate a feeling or thought?

What is hate?

How do you know if you have it for someone?

Is it an personal ideology - lodged against someone...because?  Meaning, it doesn't really do anything - other than seethe in there...somewhere inside your heart or mind.

Is it acted out in words...Words that if acted on - would demonstrate said hate?

How do you know you hate someone?

As for LOVE, it's a verb.  It makes no sense if not acted out.  It's confusing as just words.

What about HATE?  Is it the same?

I think it would be extremely hard to really hate someone...to not save them if you saw them drowning.

But

When someone says, "I hate you" - what does it mean?  What are they saying?

If we truly hate someone...wow.

If we are a Christ follower - it's against EVERYTHING He stood & stands for.

Christ says it's impossible to have hatred & be His follower.

But - Christ's teaching aside.

Just the human condition.

Can we really claim hatred?  Can we walk through life with "that" living inside us - with it's cross hairs fixed on a person...family...race...etc.

What's that say about us?  What's it say about the person able to claim hatred toward another?

I'm just trying to get us to re-think our said position towards others...to re-think the junk we carry around in our heart...to re-think the things we say...

peace...


b

Love is a Decision (Re-post from POTSC) by Ashley Smith

A Repost from People of the Second Chance - written by Ashley Smith:

Love is a decision, liberate it.

Love is art, create it.

Expressing love is art. Love is creative.

When we seek love with new, re-birthed, grace filled eyes, reborn without barriers, we find life. We find second chances. New chances. New creativity. New art. We experience the substance and weight of untamed freedom, true free love.

Be love. Be liberated love.

Not the cliched idea that love is a fleeting feeling or 7 steps to achieve it or 5 ways to show it, liberated love is actionable love. The love that rebirths, gives new chances.

“Most people die before they are fully born. Creativeness means to be born before one dies.” - Erich Fromm

Have you experienced this radical, unconditional love? The type that gives birth to new love? The kind where you can stand in front of the closet, full of the shadows and skeletons and darkness of your life and fully open the door, let it all be released and have someone stand with you, holding your hand - and say, “None of this, nothing will change or shape my love for you. My love is not based on what you do or done or could do- it’s simply because you are YOU.”

I believe this love is possible, I believe this love is what a second chance looks like. I believe that you and I can be this love now, today- that we can receive it and give it freely.

I believe we, together, have the ability to celebrate people for being people. period. That we can liberate love- let it be expressed and lavished freely- even in our DARKEST PLACES, the places where we are most ashamed.

No condition. No guarantee. No judgement. Simply because people matter. WE ALL matter, no matter what.

That we can reinvent and rebirth ourselves in this love daily - that we create art with the palette of radical grace, second chances, acceptance, belonging, purpose and believe in the masterpieces we are.

Be love. Be liberated love.

This is Bob writing now.  I re-posted this for 2 reasons.  1 - Because of it's content.  It is so powerful.  If EACH of us could only learn how to live love out.  What a goal.  2 - Because of the blue paragraph above.  I know someone like that!  My wife - Shawn.  So, this re-post is also to honor her incredible love & to say - yes it can be done...no matter what.

So

Thanks babe.

AND Let's...

Be love.  Be liberated love.

peace

b

Most Alive...

I just finished praying...


An overwhelming thought/question was "When Do I Feel Most Alive"?


It was more of a soul searching moment...like what is my purpose or, why am I here, more than some narcissistic self consuming thought.


It's crazy how far your mind can go in a moment.  Or, how much of your life you can "scan over" in a moment.


My life verse is John 10:10.  It reads, "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."


I'm aware of both parts of the verse - the thief & the purpose of Christ.  But, it's the 2nd part of that verse that I mostly focus in on...living an abundant life.


So.


I don't have some profound insight here.  I don't have some crazy "oh my gosh...I never thought of that" moment either.


I simply have a question that was handed to me a few moments ago, that's obviously meant to act as a compass for me & possibly for you as well.  Why?  I'm not sure at this moment.


But.


I bring it up for the same reason...to hand you the same compass.


A true north of sorts.


A question.


A question that can unfold or reveal the real pieces & purposes for your life.


Will you join with me in the search.


When do you feel most alive?


I'll be ruminating on this personally until I feel I find the answer(s) I'm meant to find.


Remember - Anytime God asks you a question - it's never because He doesn't know the answer.


Feel free to share your thoughts via commenting below.  Also hit "like" or "share" it with someone else who might benefit from the question or dialog.


peace...


b

I Quit Church...

I really did...

I was D.O.N.E. with it.  Actually, done would be the wrong word - "over it" would be a better one.

I had a huge "church value" in my life...so, I couldn't be done.

However, I was over it.

Over the people specifically.

I was angry.

I felt like the very thing I desperately believed in - failed me.

IMO, it really doesn't matter how we got there.  I say that because, to say "here's why Bob...", I think stinks of religious jargon.  To feel that we, as Christ Followers are ever justified in any circumstance to be part of the fail, is part of the churches problem anyway.  But, I might not be the right one for that opinion.  However, I represent a part of the church that is simply walking away from what we do every Sunday.

And, other people simply don't come to join with us - because we don't treat each other any differently than the world treats one another...maybe at times we are even worse.  Well, no maybes about it - we are definitely worse at times.

That's not why I'm writing though.

I'm writing to simply say, that I have been on the "I don't go to church" side of this thing in life.  Not only did I not go, Shawn & my kids didn't go either.  As a family, our home didn't go to church...for quite some time.

Ironically, it was during a time that we so needed to be in a church.

I'm not talking about the building...nor the habit of going...nothing like that.

I'm talking about our need to be with others that were trying to go in the same way with their faith.

Towards God.  Towards healing.  Towards freedom.  Towards love...life...more...

We did visit a church or 2...during this time.  Other than 1 church - we never felt compelled to go back to any of them.

What were we looking for?  What was it that we knew we didn't find?  What is that something, that "hits us" & we know "this is what I've been looking for?"

What are people looking for - that we need to have...

What are people looking for - that is seemingly missing in so many churches...

What are we supposed to be doing on a weekly basis when we gather together...

What makes it "worth getting up for"..."saying no to other things for"...etc.

Do me a great favor - hit like & comment below - let's keep digging.

You never know who might find some help from your words.

b

Church Attenders ONLY...

K.

This blog comes with a clause... "For Church Attenders ONLY".

If you don't really go to church - perhaps there will be something you can help me understand as well.  But, I'm really wanting to hear from the church attending part of the world.

Here's the Question.

Why Have we gotten so used to just not going to church on a regular basis?

It seems like for many of us - church attendance is more of a "I'll go if it's convenient" thing, than it is an "I'll go because it matters" thing.

I don't think "are you going to church?" should be a question for Christ followers.  Period.

I don't get it.

And, obviously, those that have gotten into this mode - are completely fine with it.

Attend if there's nothing else going on.

Attend if there weather is not messy.

Attend because we haven't been in a while & we need to show up...so they know we are not dead.

I'm completely serious.

What the HELL?

Has church become that irrelevant to your journey?

Has your church become that unimportant to your spiritual life & growth?

I seriously doubt it.

I don't think it's the church at all.

I mean - is it possible that some churches are irrelevant...unimportant or whatever.  YES.

But, is it possible that ALL the churches are?  No way.

I think it's us.

We have gotten to where we are absolutely comfortable with a more shallow walk with Christ.

We have gotten to where we are no longer disturbed by this in & of ourselves.

We see church as an option to our faith.

We see church as being "not convenient" to the rest of what we do.

I get it, when there are legitimate reasons for not being there.  I get it, that there are times other things prevail.  I get it, that sometimes there's a good reason for not being there.

I don't get it, when that's the norm for someone or their home.

It's so easy to get out of the "church on Sunday" habit...then so hard to get back into it.

I don't know.

I'm looking for answers here.

I'm looking for some real, honest feedback on this.

Because I'm bothered by it.

Part of what bothers me is this.  I didn't have a church for almost a year.

I know what it feels like to "not have a church" to call home.

I know what it feels like to "want a place to call home".

So.

When you have one...why is attending it unimportant?

I'm not meaning to rant.  I seriously don't get it.

It bothers me at a personal level...because my family & I have been "churchless".

It bothers me at a pastoral level...because I care about your growth in Him.

It bothers me at a passionate level...because IMO, there's something not right in your passion for Him.

Anyway...

help me understand.

b

Living "In the Woods"

K...

So, I wrote about feeding the homeless recently.

Well, this past Sunday, when it was warm enough to wear a t-shirt outside, me, Shawn & 3 other couples went out into the woods.  Not just any woods.  We went where the homeless live in Tents...kind of like little Tent Cities - each made up of 2, 3 or more tents...plus a few other "living areas" - depending on the particular "city".

We went - to give them blankets, gloves, chap stick & to feed them a hot spaghetti meal.

So...for a couple hours, we went from one Tent City to another...5 or 6 in all.

Here's a little of what we saw that day.

The 1st Tent City.  There were 2 men there when we got there.  "There" was a place off Military Highway.  A place where we were all trespassing.  We actually had to have the vehicles driven away so we could "sneak" into the woods undetected.  The Tent City was on private property too.

These 2 men had "just finished a game of horseshoes" when we got there.  There was an aroma of bacon in the air - they were cooking "something good".  The one guy said, "everyday he wakes up is a blessing".  Plus that day, he had found "a turkey & 2 chickens...it was a good day".  Of course, found means he had climbed in a dumpster somewhere...he calls it blessed.  On a tree - they had a mirror hanging - not sure what they need that for - but maybe it makes 'em feel a little more normal.  The guy wanted to show us in his tent - he had just installed "wall to wall" carpet...he called it "nice".

As we walked away - I asked "why are they there?"  "Lost his job...don't know about the other guy" was the answer.

The Next City was right beside a Grocery Store.  We didn't actually see anyone there, they were out, most likely looking for some "blessings" in a dumpster somewhere.  The most memorable part of that City was a piece of garland wrapped around a small pine tree.  That was their Christmas decorations.  We left their food under a basket turned upside down, so no animals would get it before they returned.  Blankets & chap stick on top of the upside down basket...

The Next City - was down the tracks.  Literally, we walked about a 1/4 mile or more down some railroad tracks, escorted by the citizens of the City we were going to.  They had 3 dogs chained up to guard their "city".  2 pit bulls & some kind of a mix breed.  Suffice it to say - you will not sneak up on them.  Their city was a bit more elaborate.  They not only had a few tents, they had ropes all across the trees - holding a "roofing" system made of tarps.  It had the most people we ran into - inclusive of a woman, who says she's a mother to twins.  One of the guys there, told me "they were using their military survival skills" to make it.  This place was also right behind a neighborhood...though it was the most elaborate, it was more like a garbage pit as well.  Apparently, they have lived their a long time.  We all stood in a circle, holding hands & had prayer with them before we left.  They walked us back out...thankful we came.

The Next City had no one there...at 1st.  After "talking into the air", the guy somewhere in there (the woods), must have been convinced we were safe.  He came out to see us, but took a little bit of a "sneak up on them route" - just in case we weren't who we claimed to be...?  This city has a little bit of the "tarp" system too.  I was told this City & the last were in some kind of tiff over something.  I found that to be very strange.  Like the others, we gave him food, a blanket & chap stick.  At the empty tent , we left the food, blankets & chap stick just like before...I learned, that the upside down basket trick is common in the Tent City.  Oh, I almost forgot this place was full of cats...they were everywhere.

The Next & Last - was behind some stores...behind some homes...beside railroad tracks.  It was a nothing more than a tent & a mattress.  Someone lived in the tent & someone lived "on the mattress" - with no cover at all.  They weren't "home".  We left the stuff under & on "the basket".  The most memorable, almost eerie, part of this City was the memorial set up.  It was a stick in the ground with a pretty nice flower arrangement attached to it (much like you see on the side of the road where someone died).  It was placed there in memory of someone who had actually lost their life, right there - in the City.  Only what really got me was that we knew the lady who had died there.   Years ago, she had attended the church I used to Pastor.  Now, in a Tent City, there was a stick with some flowers on it - to remember her by.

When it was all done...we each got in our vehicles & drove home.  The drive home was almost surreal...

One thing that got me is - we really don't know (or want to know) that those people are right behind our neighborhoods...right beside the grocery stores...right beside the roads we drive everyday.  That is the reality of the world in which we are a part of & are meant to help in.  Several of them - simply lost their job...now they are living in a Tent City - right near our homes.

So, today, when it's so cold outside, I couldn't help but think about & pray for "those that have none"..."those that live in tents & call it home".

peace

b

Speed = Shallow...

Bill Hybels tells the story of riding on the Autobahn...going extremely fast...actually too fast.

He says that when he first got into the car - the conversation was meaningful...had substance to it.

However, when the driver hit the Autobahn & reached speeds in excess of 120 - the conversation became meaningless...nothing more than him answering in one syllable words, grunts or moans.

Then, when the speed decreased, depth came back to the encounter.

His story is really tied to the pace of our life.

He talks about how we tend to go so fast, that we seldom connect with others, or even ourself, at a meaningful level.

He mentions that our conversations become shallow...superficial.

He teaches from this real story, that we all need to slow down.

For it's when we slow down - we are able to connect with others...even God.

So - how will you slow down this year?  How will you make meaningful time for those that matter most in your life?  For God?  For yourself?

Unless you slow down & connect - you will be living in the shallow parts of your thoughts...dreams...visions...love...conversations...etc.

Downshift...

Connect...

Become significant...

Mean something...

Find yourself...

Discover that which has been lost to the speed of your life...

Rediscover that which you've forgotten all about...

This year - live deeper - not faster.

b


ALSO - check out this link... Reply here...

Chick-Fil-A & 107 People Without Food

So


Yesterday I was at Chick-Fil-A with Shawn, Ashton & Taylor.  And, like usual, we said a prayer before eating.


Only, I got a little messed up in the prayer.  Not as in, messing up the words.  Rather, in giving thanks for "this food".


This food consisting of nothing special...a chicken sandwich & fries.


But, what messed me up was this.  About the time I was going to say "thanks for this food", I remembered where we were going that same evening...to feed the homeless.  IE those without food.


FOOD - the staple of life...they don't have any.  No matter their story - they have NO FOOD.


So.


As I got to the "thanks for this food" part - rather than being the words we always say...it was in the moment of thinking about those that have NONE.  That got to me.


For maybe the 1st time in a long time - I really meant "thanks for this food".  Saying it wasn't a routine...habit...the right thing to do.  No, this time it was really from a place of gratitude.


Then later that same evening...we went to "feed those that have none".


107 of them to be exact on this night.


I'll introduce you to a few of them...


Joe - a guy in his mid 20's.  His hair - not really in dreads, more like crumpled mess.  "Where ya from Joe?"  Norfolk was his answer.  I couldn't help but wonder "what's his story"?  His last words as he walked out the door "I'm just trying to stay warm man.  Thanks for the food".


A Family of 4.  Husband, Wife & 2 sons.  The youngest boy - maybe about 8.  Hardly tall enough to reach the drinks being served.  So to reach out to him the best we could at that time - we gave him TWO (2) cookies instead of the normal ONE (1).  They looked like completely normal people - everyday people...only they have No FOOD to eat.


Dan.  He came up to me & asked could he talk with me.  He's 40.  He's been out of jail for 2 weeks.  Already has a job...trying to recover from "a bad mistake".  He was humbled to the point of being  embarrassed.  He's "looking for a better job...needs a break".


Or the guy who ate extra beans - because they are "the real nutrition for the cold"...


Or the guy who said "they were the best beans he has ever eaten there".


Or the lady who said the same about the potatoes.


Or all the people who said "they had never been served BBQ" there before.  It was "one of the best meals they had in a long time".


Or the man who drank 2 cups of tea - "to keep hydrated".


They came by & thanked us "for the food".


They offered their "bless you's" to US!


So


Today, as I thanked God for my food - I prayed for those that have none.


Realizing - my prayers won't feed them...we have to do that.  We are the answer to the prayers.


I will go back & help feed them again...them being "those without food".


Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do [it] to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me. - Jesus


peace


b

Shhhhhhhhhhh....

A

Riddle...

Puzzle...

Contemplation...

Challenge...

Thought...

Key...

Secret...

Truth...

Duh...

What if there was a key to it all?  To life I mean.

What if there was some "thing" that if you had it - you were guaranteed to live a BETTER life.

BUT.

What if you were guaranteed to live a LESSER life without it.

Would you want it?

What if your life was MEANINGLESS without it.

BUT.

What if your life had tremendous MEANING with it.

Would you want it?

What if your life was SHALLOW without it.

BUT.

What if your life was SIGNIFICANT with it.

Would you want it?

What if this "stuff" could HEAL your heart if you have it.

BUT.

What if the lack of this "stuff" could eat your soul like a CANCER.

Would you want it - even more?

What if this "stuff" has the power to set you & others FREE when you use it.

BUT.

What if this same "stuff" has the power to ENSLAVE you & them if you don't use it.

Would you want it - even more?

What if, what I'm saying is 100% true.

Would you want it - more?

What if all the lives in your world would BENEFIT from you having it.

BUT.


What if every life in your world would SUFFER from you not having it.


Would you want it - more?


What if I told you that you ALREADY have it.


You not only have it - you have ALL you'll EVER NEED.


What is it?


LOVE

L.O.V.E.

L to the O to the V to the E

LOVE

Here's EXACTLY what the Bible says about LOVE & our life.

It's found in 1 Corinthians 13 (AKA the Love Chapter)

The Greatest Gift

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal.  And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.  Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;  does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;  does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part.  But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.


When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.  For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.


And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

It teaches that love is the greatest gift in our life.

It teaches us that TO LOVE is mature.  To not is childish.

It teaches that, no matter what we do or accomplish in life, if we don't love, every piece of our life, is meaningless.

LOVE

It might be hidden within...it might be behind a hardened heart...it might be struggling for life under the weight of unforgiveness...it might be hard to give because it was never received...or something else might be strangling your love from living...

But.

God, himself being LOVE, has placed love within each of us.


HE will teach us all how to LOVE.

If we allow Him IN.


AND.


If we allow Him to TEACH us.


Do you still want it?


Do you want it - more?


All ya have to do is ask & allow it to live...


Try it...

Merry Christmas to all...

b

The GAINS...Real Conversations - No Bull

Back to some things I've gained in the last couple years...

I'm not sure why...But, one of the areas that has definitely changed is the depth of conversations I have & the depth of questions I now ask or answer.

I'm not sure how to explain this...

But, what I'm specifically speaking of is, not being afraid to ask or answer the questions really needing asked or answered.

Kind of a No Bull allowed thing...

An example...

You know how it feels when you are talking to someone having a really bad moment in life.  You know...they know...you both know you know.  Yet, you don't go there...you don't talk about it...you don't ask...they don't bring it up...that awkward feel - knowing you're avoiding something - but you just avoid it...and you talk about stuff that really doesn't matter.  Do you know what I'm trying to describe?

Anyway - I think we have all been there.

Well.

That's the stuff I am no longer avoiding.  The questions or conversations needing to be dealt with.  I go there.  Or, I allow others to go there.

It seems very real.  Very honest.  It feels like a breath of fresh air when it happens.

It's like you & they both feel relieved...free...connected...

The irony to it is - by going there, you feel more connected to that person...more in touch with where they really are in life...their story...their struggle...Or yours for that matter.

You feel more alive...more human...more caring...more _________ (something significant goes here).

Why is it a GAIN?  because, I used to not go there.  I'd leave that moment - feeling like something was missing.  Feeling like there was a void in what had just happened.

Not anymore.

NOW

Without having to force anything...it just happens.  Naturally so.

Maybe before - part of it was I either didn't care to hear it...was in too much of a hurry...was somewhere else in my thoughts...or something.

Also, I'd make it hard for people to ask the real questions or answer as superficially as possible at times.

You know what I'm talking about.  Knowing you either didn't ask (for whatever reason) or didn't answer (for whatever reason) the things really needing talked about.

NOW

I've learned to live in the moment.  To be there - all there.

I don't have this down completely - but when it happens...it's way cool.

Still growing...

b

The GAINS...Something I AM not Something I Do...

Somewhere along the way, I got lost.

When?  I don't know.

How?  I don't know that either.

Actually...it was one of those "I'm lost...but didn't know, until I was found again" things.  What I mean, is, I didn't know that I had lost so much with my relationship with Christ along the way.  "The way" being over the almost 18 years of Pastoring my 1st church.

Somewhere, I allowed "Following Christ" to become something that I did as opposed to something that I was.  But, I really didn't know how compartmentalized I had made my relationship with Christ.  Maybe I was too messed up...too lost within...too disoriented...too confused...too _____???

Somehow, I had put most of my following Him into some little compartment in my life.  And, I'd open it up when needed...and I'd keep it closed when I didn't "need" or want it.  Crazy.  But, I guess that's part of the whole sin deal...it's called deceiving for a reason...we are told to "be sober" for a reason...we are told that "satan is looking to destroy us" for a reason...he was portrayed as a "serpent" for a reason...

NOW...

I have been restored to a place in Him that is not some little compartment in my life...it's not something in a compartment that I open on Sunday & whenever else convenient.

NO...

Without question, one of the GAINS in my life (ministry & every other area of life) is that following Him is no longer just something I do.   It's now who I am - a Christ Follower.

It's no longer just a piece of me...it's me.  It's now in my psyche...my heart...my efforts...my zeal...my determination...my daily walk...it's now something I've learned to practice 24/7.

I hear ya - "shouldn't it have already been that way the whole time?"..."isn't that what we are all supposed to be doing anyway?"  YES!  That's part of my point...somewhere I lost that.  Now, it's been found again.

I can't even begin to fully explain how fully & how far reaching that renewal has been within my life...heart...soul...& how every facet of my life has been affected (renewed?  healed?) by this GAIN.

SO

All I am trying to say is this: From out of the mess of my sin(s)...I have been found again.  I have been made new.  I no longer can take or leave Christ as guiding my life, per my convenience...I have learned to allow Him to affect me to the core again...to change me from the inside out...to make what I portray, what I do & who I am become synonymous...

I am a Christ Follower in the Fullest sense of the word.

Praise God!

b

The GAINS...My wife as my FRIEND.

So...

What would I say I've gained over the last couple years?

Let's talk about my marriage...

I'll take you to a moment we had in the counselor's office.  (Part of the year long 40 - 45 marital sessions we had together with the Counselor...you know just part of the restoration process that some say we didn't go through).  Sorry I got off track - huh.

K.  I'm back on now.

The Counselor asked something like this: "Bob.  Of the 3 loves mentioned in the Bible - Eros (erotic), Agape (unconditional) & Phileo (friendship)...which is most missing in your marriage?"  It was a light bulb moment for me...& ultimately for our marriage as well.  Without hesitation, & to the disagreement of Shawn, I immediately said, "Phileo...friendship."

I'm telling you - it was an "aha moment".

Though I had taught about the 3 loves in the Bible, I had never considered them within the context of a marriage.

I realized, at that moment, that we had drifted apart over the years...allowing an area of our marriage to simply die.  Not that we noticed...it simply died a slow death...somewhere over the years.

I realized, at that moment - that Shawn & me were not friends...though we loved each other - we had no friendship to speak of.

I realized a key to our/my healing.  Friendship negates loneliness.

So, over the course of many talks...counseling sessions...dates...walks...coffees...and a whole lot more...we learned to become friends...great friends.

We diligently worked on, and still have to pay attention to, our friendship.

Now, without question, our friendship has become an area that has taken our marriage to a place it hasn't been for many many years.  Perhaps, it was never like this...ever.

We found common areas to become friends.  We quit saying no to doing things together.

Now.  We walk together on the beach.  We go to movies together not only as husband & wife...we go as friends.  We found areas of life to share in together.  We laugh.  We cry.  We have fun.  We have learned to "be our self" together.

Now, it's not uncommon for us to find some time in any given day...laughing together...smiling at each other...sitting together - just talking...connecting...sharing life together...being friends.

It's an incredible place we have gotten to.

So what is something I GAINED?

My wife is not only "my wife...my lover...the mother of my children...she's my Friend...something that I was searching for, for a long time.

I love you babe.  I'm glad that we are...

b

The COST INTERNALLY...Confidence in it all...

I want to say upfront - that though this blog is about my confidence...it's also an area that God has done a really deep work in as well.  It's more like - something that was a definite cost...but also something that God has restored as well.  I'll write about the COST.


When I speak about confidence...it's probably a number of "things" that I actually have in mind.


"Things" like:


Confidence...Uncertainty...Trust...Second guessing...Suspicious...Even fearful...


All non tangible...living somewhere within.  My heart?  Mind?  Spirit?  All the above?  I think so...yes - living within each & any at any given time.


If you knew me "before" - you'd know that NONE of the above were issues in my life - at all.  NONE.  I had confidence & had no fear.  Yet, each became something I had to wrestle with & learn to negate their influences over my life.  Thankfully, by God's grace...some relearning...some healing...& probably a few other ingredients...I have mostly gotten past each of them.  But, like an old nemesis, one or two of 'em, from time to time, tries to creep back in...it's all part of the COST.


Let me delve into my Confidence a little more.


IMO, it's a really complex area that can't be reduced to a saying...or some little cliche.  When I talk about losing my confidence, for me, it involves what I know of myself...what I learned about certain others...how some responded to my future being renewed...feelings as well as knowledge.  Then, of course, trying to live in what God really has to say about it...after you hear all the other opinions of it as well.  It's not easy just walking above all the stuff...don't let anyone tell you that it is.  Somewhere within, whatever the opposite of confidence is, at times would just overwhelm me.  It's part of the COST.


Confidence is not something that lives in a vacuum.  It's tied to the people in your life...their opinions...their responses...their silence...their anger...their love or their hatred...etc.  You can have all the confidence in the world - but if people don't allow it - it doesn't go anywhere.  So, confidence is also about people having confidence in you too.  I'm not talking about  every person in the world...that wouldn't be feasible.  I'm talking about people that matter to you...those you want to have a positive response from.  And those people may or may not be on the positive side at all.  That's how your confidence gets rocked even more...when people that matter - don't have confidence in you any longer.  You can't just ignore that.  It makes you go within & question a lot of things.  Again, it's part of the COST.


Then add to that...


Uncertainty.  I mean not really knowing anything for sure any longer.


Trust.  Not knowing who you can & can't trust.  Not knowing some people's agenda - because of having seen some who had/have such nasty agendas...you learn that not all is as it appears.  So, though you were not trust worthy, you are also reminded - there are a lot of people who can't be trusted.


Second guessing.  Yourself...others...


Suspicious.  This is not new for me, it just seems that it took on a bigger role...


Fearful.  This would have been the last thing you could have ever labeled me before - afraid.  It didn't exist anywhere in my life.  But, for a while, it was like a crazy monkey I couldn't get off my back.  It showed up in a lot of ways...it would raise it's head from time to time...it took awhile to really kill this one.  It was all part of the COST of the life I had lived for too too long.


Thankfully...Confidence is being renewed each & every Sunday.  Each & every prayer.  Each & every friendship restored or each friendship being formed.  God has a way of speaking to that same place where confidence was lost & renewing you/it in a really deep & significant way.


By confidence being restored, I don't mean in some braggadocios or arrogant way.  I simply mean, being confident that God really does what God says.  He will restore...He will pick you up out of your mess...His grace really is greater than your sins...on & on & on.


By confidence, I mean walking in the knowledge of who I am in Him being separate from what I've done.


By confidence, I mean allowing God to do such a deep work in you...that you know you are finally no longer the person who sinned...you truly have been renewed...reborn...restored.


By confidence, I mean sitting with God & knowing that you & Him are really ok.


Yet, from time to time...it ALL gets tossed back in the air...uncertainty rushes in...questions get bigger than the answers...fear tries to displace faith...Sadly, at times, it doesn't take much...it's part of the COST.


It feels like you become a bit gun-shy...fearful...weary...it's not a good feeling at all.


Then...by God's grace - you are reminded of what you've known all along.  God loves you regardless...you are surrounded by people that really love you no matter.  And that's all you need to know...for when it's all said & done - that's all you have anyway.


It's really about which of the voices you are going to listen to most...which ones are going to have the bigger influence over you & your life.  For me, I choose confidence over fear.  I choose friend over foe.  I chose God over them all.


With that - I press on...& when my confidence is shaken in any way...I know somewhere God will find a way to remind me...that I can be confident of 1 thing - no matter...

being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you (me) will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ...

by his grace...

b

The COST of Credibility...Can I Be Trusted?

Now, some more nitty gritty talk about the COST of my sins...

Specifically, the cost of ministry credibility & the ability to trust me again.

1st regarding whether or not I'll have a credible ministry again or not.

It seems there are 2 completely opposite schools regarding whether or not I should ever be in ministry again...Perhaps, I should say that I am familiar with there being 2 groups.

The group on one side - believe I get another chance at ministry.

The group on the other side, think my time is over...I no longer have a right to be in ministry.

1 group believes God's grace is the same for a me as it is anyone else.  The other group believes that the accountability is different & once I sinned, I lost my right to ever be in ministry again.

And I have to say, the lines are drawn.  There is no gray between the 2 opinions.  There is no switching sides...the sides are set & they are adamantly opposed to one another.  It's like the Hatfield's & McCoys...they not only disagree...it's not stretching it to say, some on one side don't even like those on the other side - all because of which side they are on regarding Bob.  I'm not talking about the public, or the un-churched...I'm talking about those in the church...

NOTE - Regarding those in the church & those not, they see 2 different stories played out as well.  One side sees my, or our, story as HOPE...then the other side, I simply gave them more ammo to the HYPOCRISY in the church.  Again, both are valid - depending on which side you are looking from.

So ya know, I've studied both sides...both are equally convinced that they are right.  As for me, I know which side I've always fell on with ANYONE, whether it was friends...family...staff... or ministers...it's nothing new, I've always been a grace giver...always will be.  However, it seems that receiving it (or allowing yourself to receive it) is a whole different story than giving it.

Both of these groups are comprised of friends...family...ministers...as well as people I've never met.  I can't argue for or against either side...I take it as it is now.  It's part of the COST.

But...I think that there's another issue at hand in this too.

And that's trust.

To me, Credibility & Trust, are like brothers...they go hand in hand.

Can I be trusted?  Will I sin again?  Is it only a matter of time - before something happens again?  These are NOW all valid questions.

As we all know, trust is a fragile thing.  Once broken, with anyone, it's hard to earn back.  And truth is, some never do and/or some never get the chance.

That's where I think a lot of people really land - can Bob be trusted...or "do I want to trust Bob again?"...or they just never go there - meaning trust was broken - end of story.  Truth is, trust has been broken, & with some, I'll never have a chance of earning it back at any level...not only in ministry, but at any friendship level as well.

That's the COST of my sins.  I gave all rights up to ask/expect/want people to trust me - ever again.

When you are a people person, like I am, that's where the loss is felt most in this area...knowing that there are people, once close to me...once in this together...once trusting me...& I ruined all that.  Knowing that, with many people I honestly care deeply about, there will not be a Sunday visit to see what's going on at Genesis...because of...Bob.

Though, yes, I was a full blown sinner...that doesn't mean my heart was all bad, or that I didn't or don't care about people that were in my life.  Actually, that would make it easier - having a cold & hardened heart...then I really wouldn't care or feel anything in this regard.  But, that's not what I feel at all...I feel loss.

So.

To the group that has taken the risk of trusting me again...or that has offered me a 2nd chance...Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I have learned that each & every one of you in my life (& Shawn's) is a gift...given back to me (us).  It remains to be seen what it will all mean...or why God allowed me to do this again...

To the others, it still kills me to know the hurt I caused so many of you.  I can't argue for my cause...as a matter of fact, I haven't & won't.  I don't think I have that right.  If you choose to come into my, or our, life at any level, I will cherish that opportunity.  If you choose not to, I understand.  I have to do my best to honor that, as part of the cost...to remind myself that I did this & you didn't...AND keep moving forward realizing this is how it will be - forever.

That's the COST of my sins regarding the ministry I feel God has called us back into.  It shows up at times on Sundays, when for whatever reason, I hope one of ya might come out...to see what God is up to...yet deep within, I know you're not coming at all.  It's part of the COST.

So, though God has been gracious enough to pick me up & allow me back into ministry...it will never be the same...ever.  It doesn't mean it will be ineffective or that it doesn't matter...it simply means it will never be the same.  It's part of the COST.

(Note - I fully expect Genesis to be an incredible ministry.  It already is - we are experiencing that every Sunday...God is definitely with us - again.)

peace

b

ps - I loved being your Pastor & I hate that I will never be that again...that's what I'm trying to say.