Quiet Desperation

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them."

Henry David Thoreau

I used this quote this past weekend while speaking.  However, it's such a strong quote that I was unable to leave it on the page or in the auditorium once I was done "using it".

2 parts of this quote seem to have a longer shelf life for me right now.  The "lives of quiet desperation" and the "song still in them" pieces seem to still be running through my brain and heart.

Why?  I'm not sure.

But, if I were totally candid here, I'm sure they both are tied to a fear or concern of mine.  The fear of having not really lived life to the fullest.  The fear of not having the courage to go for it.  The fear of never letting the song out from being buried deep within...beneath layers of "stuff" that seem to allow the song to go unsung - seemingly without a lot of challenge at times.

So, I write this mainly to say that I don't want to be one of those people.  Those people who know how to smile when it's more perfunctory that anything else.  Those people who always say the right thing, when the real thing needs to be said instead.  Those people who in essence lie to those closest to them, when asked "how are things going"?  Those people who never take the chance...risk it...go for it...etc.

I hope that writing this not only encourages me in some endeavor...or in some song waiting to be sung or played...I hope it encourages every person that reads this as well.

To end with another quote.

Death has plucked my ear and said, "live, for I am surely coming".

peace...

b

Pop...

I call my dad Pop.

Not sure where it started, but for as long as I know, I've called him Pop.

Today, February 22, he turns 80!  That puts him being born in 1932.  Wow.

80 sounds like a milestone to me.

80.  It sounds a lot different than 79 did, though that was only 365 days ago.

80.  Not in an old way.  Nothing like that actually.  Rather in a, "wow, you have had a good life if you hit 80" kind of way.  Or, in the proverbial, "wisdom comes with age" saying.  Or, even, the feeling of heightened respect for him at the passage of 80 years old.

You see, to partly understand this, you need to know that my dad had a quadruple bypass surgery when he was 56.  Since then, he also had triple bypass & numerous stints...balloons...carotid arteries situations...on & on & on.  He's been in the hospital numerous times since he was 56.

There were times that me & my sister would talk privately as to whether we thought Pop would make it from some grave situation he was facing physically.   Low & behold, he fooled us all.  because there were times I would call my sister to come into town, because "things didn't look good".

80.

My father has been (& is - now that we are almost 80 1/2 years old...going on 81) a big part of my life.  Not in loud, obtrusive ways.  No, more as in a model of strength.  As a word of encouragement or some type of word that meant something at the time.

That doesn't mean that we didn't do it right all the time, because we didn't.  There were times in my teen years that we were just not real close, for various reasons.  But, today, in looking back at my father's life & mine - it's a great thing.

Memories abound.

Old 8mm movies of my dad, in Ohio, my hometown & his too, shoveling snow & building a snowman, because me or my sister wanted him to.  Or the picture of him in the Navy...sharp.

More recent memories would be growing up fishing with him in the Chesapeake Bay for big Gray trout & flounder.  We had a blast.  We both have a citation plaque, or 2, to show off as well.

Or hunting.  Without a doubt, these would be the most fond memories of me & my dad.  Deer hunting together.  Whether locally or a trip to the mountains for opening week of deer season.

Or building.  My dad owned a construction company at one time.  I can remember working for him as a young teen.  I also will never forget us building a house together for my family.  Side note, we built that house together from clearing the lot to moving in, in 89 days!  Unheard of.  Memories of me & Pop.

Our home has several things Pop built over the years.  Leaving his mark in many ways upon our life.

There are many more...but suffice it to say - I'm proud of my father.

I'm happy to be going over his house in a few minutes to just hang out.

Love ya & I'm proud to call ya "My Pop"


Happy Birthday


G

Share this with people that might know my dad.  Use one of the share buttons below this post.  He's on Face Book (Robert Groves), look him up & tell hm happy birthday.  thanks!

The SAUNA is HOT...better be there for a reason

So.

It went like this.

I walked into the sauna today after the wonderful "just keep swimming" swim lesson.

I say "how are ya" to the man in the sauna.

"In a lot of pain" was his reply.

A few minutes go by of "sauna-ing" and I ask "does the sauna help your pain?"

His reply "no - not really.  I just come in here because I've gotten in saunas for about 30 years".

Silence.  End of conversation.

I thought - that's crazy.

Have you ever been in a sauna.  It's called a sauna because it's really really hot in there.

As a matter of fact - this one's thermometer was reading 150 degrees.  That's hot.

So, I stayed in for a while - thinking about the guy that was in there - not because of the benefits of the sauna - rather because it was his 30 year old habit...he didn't know why he did it anymore, other than he has always done it.

Habits.

They are funny things - huh.

Sitting there, I thought about my life - then yours...hence this blog.

I sat & thought for a while - "what habits are in my life - serving no purpose at all?".  They are just that - habits.

Not only are they serving no purpose - they possibly are holding me (or you) from starting on something else more beneficial.

They say, if you practice a "new" habit for 30 days - it will be ingrained in your life.  That's bull.

It takes something more than practicing it.

It takes being committed to it - over & over & over again.

It takes finding the value in the "new" more than it takes finding the lack of value in the "old".

It takes starting over & over - until...you do it without even thinking about it.

Like walking into a 150 degree sauna - for no reason other than that's what he's done for all those years.

I eventually walk out - leaving the guy in there - still sitting because that's what he's done for about 30 years or so.

So, with that, I leave you & me with a question...or 2.

What habits are in my/your life that need to be changed?  That are serving no real purpose.  That are even holding us back form a new habit - more beneficial for our life now.  That maybe somewhere in the past, you started out on - only to go back to the old because you thought it would be easier than it was.

The sauna is hot - at least know why you are sitting in it.

peace

b

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Mixed Signals

I have no clue how to write this...not sure where to start...

So, I'll jump in.

My heart is a little sad today.

Not because of anything here on the Groves' front - life here is incredibly wonderful in all areas.

NOPE - nothing to do with us at all.

Well - maybe, what I want to talk about touches home a little.

What triggered the sadness?

Whitney Houston's death.

Not her death specifically - some of our reactions/judgments/rants...etc...about her.

WTH

For those throwing some thoughts out there - that are less than compassionate...

Have you ever been in her shoes?

I have.

Have you ever struggled with addiction?

I have.

Have you ever needed a 2nd chance - 50x over?

I have.

Have you ever failed...again & again?

I have.

So, for you, to simply land on her battle with addiction as being the justification for your rants - saddens me.

Especially, the rants of the good ole christians...at it again.

It's times like these, that I want to distance myself from christians...

We come across cold...seemingly indifferent to the real stories of life.

I don't get it.

If you want to get on some high horse - do it at no one's expense.

Pick a better time to state your opinion.

Did you know Whitney?

I didn't.

Therefore, I don't have a right to judge her.

I'm saddened at our loss.

I'm saddened by your judgment.

TBH - it feels too close to home...

b

I HATE YOU!

I hate you!

That's sound so raw...so mean...so ugly...so uncalled for...so powerful...so wrong.

HATE

What a word.  What a phrase.

Webster defines is as

a : intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury

b : extreme dislike or antipathy

Though the opposite of LOVE, I'm not sure saying, "I love you", has the same "force" as saying "I hate you".

Maybe because, I love you is more commonly used & heard.

When you throw "I hate you" out there - it's like the wheels of the bus fall off...everything comes to a grinding halt.  The earth quits rotating...sun stands till...birds quit chirping.

It's that powerful of a phrase.

The word hate - similar to the word love - is greatly used as well.  As in, I hate collards...I hate it when it's hot outside...I hate Fords...etc.

But the phrase I hate you - now that's like reserved for very very very special occasions or people.

However

As you might know - that's not really why I'm writing this.  I'm certainly not writing to validate the word...or talk about the meaning of it...

NO

I'm writing to find out what it really means when used.

What does "I hate you" mean?

To even say the words...requires an emotional response within...a facial change of expression...even a change in your voice tone...

"I hate you".  It's so strong - it seems to get all over you when you really say it.

It's just plain ole nasty.

How do you know if you hate someone?

What does hate really feel like inside?

How is it played out against someone?

I once heard it illustrated like this.

A man, talking to a friend, said "I hate so & so".  The friend said "really?  Would you save them if they were drowning"?  The man answered "Yes - of course".  The friend's reply was "Then you don't hate them.  If you hated them - you wouldn't save them - you'd watch them drown".

Is that true?

Does hate want the destruction of someone or something?  Or maybe not actively wanting it - so much as passively allowing it?  Or, at least doing nothing?

Is hate a feeling or thought?

What is hate?

How do you know if you have it for someone?

Is it an personal ideology - lodged against someone...because?  Meaning, it doesn't really do anything - other than seethe in there...somewhere inside your heart or mind.

Is it acted out in words...Words that if acted on - would demonstrate said hate?

How do you know you hate someone?

As for LOVE, it's a verb.  It makes no sense if not acted out.  It's confusing as just words.

What about HATE?  Is it the same?

I think it would be extremely hard to really hate someone...to not save them if you saw them drowning.

But

When someone says, "I hate you" - what does it mean?  What are they saying?

If we truly hate someone...wow.

If we are a Christ follower - it's against EVERYTHING He stood & stands for.

Christ says it's impossible to have hatred & be His follower.

But - Christ's teaching aside.

Just the human condition.

Can we really claim hatred?  Can we walk through life with "that" living inside us - with it's cross hairs fixed on a person...family...race...etc.

What's that say about us?  What's it say about the person able to claim hatred toward another?

I'm just trying to get us to re-think our said position towards others...to re-think the junk we carry around in our heart...to re-think the things we say...

peace...


b

Love is a Decision (Re-post from POTSC) by Ashley Smith

A Repost from People of the Second Chance - written by Ashley Smith:

Love is a decision, liberate it.

Love is art, create it.

Expressing love is art. Love is creative.

When we seek love with new, re-birthed, grace filled eyes, reborn without barriers, we find life. We find second chances. New chances. New creativity. New art. We experience the substance and weight of untamed freedom, true free love.

Be love. Be liberated love.

Not the cliched idea that love is a fleeting feeling or 7 steps to achieve it or 5 ways to show it, liberated love is actionable love. The love that rebirths, gives new chances.

“Most people die before they are fully born. Creativeness means to be born before one dies.” - Erich Fromm

Have you experienced this radical, unconditional love? The type that gives birth to new love? The kind where you can stand in front of the closet, full of the shadows and skeletons and darkness of your life and fully open the door, let it all be released and have someone stand with you, holding your hand - and say, “None of this, nothing will change or shape my love for you. My love is not based on what you do or done or could do- it’s simply because you are YOU.”

I believe this love is possible, I believe this love is what a second chance looks like. I believe that you and I can be this love now, today- that we can receive it and give it freely.

I believe we, together, have the ability to celebrate people for being people. period. That we can liberate love- let it be expressed and lavished freely- even in our DARKEST PLACES, the places where we are most ashamed.

No condition. No guarantee. No judgement. Simply because people matter. WE ALL matter, no matter what.

That we can reinvent and rebirth ourselves in this love daily - that we create art with the palette of radical grace, second chances, acceptance, belonging, purpose and believe in the masterpieces we are.

Be love. Be liberated love.

This is Bob writing now.  I re-posted this for 2 reasons.  1 - Because of it's content.  It is so powerful.  If EACH of us could only learn how to live love out.  What a goal.  2 - Because of the blue paragraph above.  I know someone like that!  My wife - Shawn.  So, this re-post is also to honor her incredible love & to say - yes it can be done...no matter what.

So

Thanks babe.

AND Let's...

Be love.  Be liberated love.

peace

b

Is Facebook Real?

Is FB real?  Is it symbolic?  Is it representative of life?

It's just something I've been tossing around for a while...actually - quite a while.

So, writing some of my thoughts will help me process 'em.  Also, I might get some feedback on it as well.

So.

Is it real or not?  Does it represent real life friends or is it some electronic place that is not like life at all.

Obviously, I don't mean is it real, as in, is it really there.  Of course, it's real in that regard.

What I mean is: How much does it, or doesn't it, represent "friendships" that really do, or don't, exist in life.

Simply meaning - does friends on FB = friends in life?

For example, the ability to "rate" or categorize your friends list on FB.  You can put someone in "acquaintances" "friends" "close friends" or, of course, "family".  Oh yea, I forgot, they can be automatically categorized into the "city" you live in too.  That makes it so easy.  So, the catagorizing ability, is that real?  What's your philosophy for deciding the category they go into?  Is it related to actually how much you do or don't like them?  Or is it related to their posts?

I mean, what if they put you into the acquaintances category...and you put them into the "close friend" category.  Does that matter?  You thought you were close friends - they think you're only acquantinces.  Is that real?  Does it matter?  Or, is it no big deal at all.  Just wondering.

Also.

The ability to delete...unsubscribe...OR even block some people.  I just learned about the latter...to be honest - that's funny to me.  To go to the length of "typing in their FB name" so they won't see you & you won't see them = funny.  But, it must be real.  It certainly warrants the question, even more, is that real?  Not the "ooooohhhh, I blocked you"...rather, the "really...you're taking it that serious - so it must be real."

But, the easier one - "unsubscribe".  You can "unsubscribe" & "they don't know".  They, whoever they are, still think they are your friend...but you don't "subscribe" to their stuff anymore.  It's like a secret "no harm - no foul" thingy.  They think there's more to it than there really is...but, you know that's not the case.  Is that real or not?

I get the "unsubscribe" from some people for sure.  Some people put their entire life on here & I don't want to know all of that about you...it's TMI x10.  I mean, it's not like we would have all that info flying around at Starbucks if we were talking, would we?  Or, when some people "update their status", I feel like someone either puked on my computer or sent some "R rated" message to me.  I just don't want to have all that "in my face".  I get that.  Hence, unsubscribe.

Or, some people "can't be found" on FB.  You know they are in there...see their stuff from time to time - but they don't want to be found.  Is that real?  Do they need some "social counseling" because they "stay to themselves too much"?  Or is it - just FB stuff.

Another funny.  Some "non friend" posting on your cloud.  That = game.  That = funny.

Now, for us (Shawn & me) & our extremely difficult & complex FB etiquette.

You may or many not know that FB was something we detested for many reasons for the last few years.  However, eventually we gave in & ventured into the big social media thing via FB & wow, are we glad we did.

It's been so good for us.  Seriously, it's been great.

We have re-connected with so many people - that we had no ability to do so with before.  Many have "become" friends on FB...on this alone, I'm not sure how real it is - but we take it as being pretty real.  Symbolic, at least, of some positive gesture that mean something good to us.  We've noted many people that have "friended" us.  Also, we don't really think about or worry about "those that don't"...we don;t have enough time nor energy to worry about that silliness.

But, we have ONE FB rule that we pretty much live by.

We don't friend request anyone...

Yep, we don't "request a friendship" anyone.  (NOTE - we have done this 2 or 3 times on VERY specific situations).  Real or not, in this regard, we have treated FB as being real.  What I mean is, if we see you in life, we don't know where you are in "wanting to be our (my) friend or not, so, unless you say hi...come across the room...make some positive gesture, we just don't go there.  So, in that regard - it's real for us.  We have held to that "rule" in FB.  It just seems right for both us...and probably for others as well.

Is FB real or, Is it symbolic?  Does it represent the people in, or not in, our life.  If we are or aren't friends on FB - are the same in life?

Do we employ that much thinking to it?

Or, is FB just some really cool & easy way of staying up with people you care about enough to stay in touch with at some level...no more & no less.  And, for others, you just don't want to know their life status or info.  I mean - it might really be nothing more & nothing less than social media.

hmmmmmmmmm

Anyway - I am really writing this to get some feedback from others.  So - let me/us know how seriously you do or don't take FB & all the intricacies involved.

hit comments & share your FB thoughts...

b

A Defining Moment...

Well.

This one hit me after the fact.

That might be the case for a lot of defining moments.  But this one seems a little different.

I knew what the day had in store for me.  I knew the opportunity was coming.  I knew all the pieces that were a part of it.

So, none of that was a surprise.

It was during the ride home when it hit me.

I'm talking about the opportunity that was given to me, by Courtney McBath, to speak for his Men's Group at Calvary Revival Church.

To say it was a great opportunity - is quite an understatement.  It was quite a day.

I'll give ya an idea of what the breakfast looked like.

1st, it's called Bring Your Own Breakfast.  Each man does exactly that...brings their breakfast.  Calvary Revival supplies juices...water...etc.

2nd, there were about 300 - 400 men there today.  Most were from Calvary Revival Church (CRC), but Genesis was represented well too.  Thanks guys.  Courtney had told me there would be 80 - 100 men there.  Needless to say, the attendance alone was awesome...and a little unsettling for me since I hadn't done anything like that for a few years.

3rd, we started with a song of worship (Falling in Love with Jesus...is the best thing I've ever done).  True.

Then, Bishop McBath came up & talked a few minutes & introduced me as "his brother & his friend".

Awesome - not because he said it.  Because he lives it.  He has truly been my friend (& Shawn's) throughout it ALL.  So, when he said he was my friend, I was nodding my head in agreement.  Yes, he walks what he talks.

I came up & shared "the story"...my/our story.  Yup, I did.  The good, bad & the ugly.

I'm not sure they saw it coming...but they all came to hear Bob's Story.

The Theme I was handed for the day was, "God NEVER Gives Up On You."

We closed in prayer, both Courtney & I praying over the men.

It was life changing for many of them - as well as myself.

Praise God.

But the defining moment thing.

It kind of side swiped me on the ride home.

As I relived the morning...thinking through the pieces...the men that came by to talk a little more...etc.

It dawned on me.

Courtney, was & is the 1st Minister & Ministry outside of our own, to, in ANY way, validate us again.

He is the 1st Minister to put his words to action.

He is the friend that lived out what he "prayed for", for both Shawn & me.

When I realized, that he had taken the chance to walk beside me as a friend AND a Minister today...it got to me - bad.

Tears were flowing.

I felt humbled...knowing ONLY God could put all that together.

I felt proud of God & Shawn (& my kids & friends)...knowing what it took to get us to this place.

I felt like something had been won back...knowing how much I had lost.

YES

Today will definitely be a day I will never forget.  The day, a friend & a brother took a chance...and because of that - my life & many more will never be the same.

Thanks Courtney & CRC Men...you made a difference in my life & for that I'm eternally grateful.

peace

b

Most Alive...

I just finished praying...


An overwhelming thought/question was "When Do I Feel Most Alive"?


It was more of a soul searching moment...like what is my purpose or, why am I here, more than some narcissistic self consuming thought.


It's crazy how far your mind can go in a moment.  Or, how much of your life you can "scan over" in a moment.


My life verse is John 10:10.  It reads, "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."


I'm aware of both parts of the verse - the thief & the purpose of Christ.  But, it's the 2nd part of that verse that I mostly focus in on...living an abundant life.


So.


I don't have some profound insight here.  I don't have some crazy "oh my gosh...I never thought of that" moment either.


I simply have a question that was handed to me a few moments ago, that's obviously meant to act as a compass for me & possibly for you as well.  Why?  I'm not sure at this moment.


But.


I bring it up for the same reason...to hand you the same compass.


A true north of sorts.


A question.


A question that can unfold or reveal the real pieces & purposes for your life.


Will you join with me in the search.


When do you feel most alive?


I'll be ruminating on this personally until I feel I find the answer(s) I'm meant to find.


Remember - Anytime God asks you a question - it's never because He doesn't know the answer.


Feel free to share your thoughts via commenting below.  Also hit "like" or "share" it with someone else who might benefit from the question or dialog.


peace...


b