The COST in my Marriage. I Love you Babe.

Ironically, I thought that writing these blogs on COST would come quite easy...well, the 1st one - yes...so far, the rest - not so much.

So...I'll try for the xth time to write the 2nd COST...my marriage.

Yet, it's hard to go back to innumerate cost - because my marriage NOW is SO good...in wonderful ways.

But, at the same time, this blog series, is partly saying "this is the cost - don't do it."  So, I'd be amiss if I didn't talk about the cost of my sin in my marriage.

What did my sin cost me, Shawn & my marriage?

I think I'll get further by naming the areas I destroyed...rather than trying to explain them.  So, most of these will simply be line items...they speak for themselves.

The COST:

I destroyed Shawn's trust in me as her husband & as a man.  Rather than protecting her (in all sense of the word) I deeply hurt her (in all senses of the word).  I'll never forget what that felt like.

I crushed her heart.  The heart that is so full of love for me - that one.

I embarrassed her with all the people that knew us & even those that didn't.

I demeaned her as a lady.  She's never been anything but a lady.

I took her esteem & threw it out with my sin.

I devalued her as the mother of my children.

My actions, speaking louder than words, told her she was not loved.

I placed a big fat question mark over our entire marriage.

I jaded her.

I made her cry.

I made her sad.

I lied to her - many times over.

I'm sure if she was doing the typing right now, the list wouldn't end...but I think I'll end here.

So...

Where are we now?  Here's the irony...we, now, have the greatest marriage we have ever had - period.

We just celebrated our 25th anniversary...that's a miracle!

We worked through some extremely tough conversations...until healing was found.

We learned to be friends.

We do life together now.

We renewed our vows.

We are closer than ever - in all sense of the word.

Everything that was lost has been restored...and then some.

We are connected now at an intimate level within.

We know how to find the peace & work until we do.

We are in love.

We celebrate our love.

Our home is full of laughter...life...love...

We live in the light.

We honor each other in meaningful ways.

We are both happy & participate to make each other happy.

So...

Do I regret being such a crappy husband for so many years...absolutely.

But, truth is, God has helped me find healing in a place it never existed before.  That happened because of Shawn's incredible love...A God sent counselor...Some friends who never gave up on me/us...God's grace.  I am not that man I used to be...I am not the husband I was for so long...

I wish I could undo all the things I did...I can't.  But, I am so grateful that we made it through...

The best is yet to come.

Thanks babe.

I Love you.

b