Tough Not Being Me

For me, one of the toughest things to "gut out" is to truly (I mean really really really really) change.

I'm not talking about some big life event change...or some emotional change...or some brief change - that only disappears over time or in the real life tests...Typically what we call change is this thing that happens for awhile - only to be lost over time to the old habits again...Nope - I'm not talking about nor looking for that type of change...

I'm talking about changing somewhere deep within...Somewhere where you can't see or touch or really "get too", yet you know it's in there. I'm not sure if it's in your heart...mind...spirit...or somewhere else or in some tiny little corner or in your entire being...But you know it's there for it's the place that literally affects the essence of who you are...what you do...how you talk...how you treat others...how you "do life" in every area...It's the place that's the genesis of how you live...

It's just who you've been for however long & yet the part of you that desperately needs to change...I'm talking about changing in areas that's possibly been you for as long as you have been alive...The you that speaks without thinking...the you that responds automatically...the you that has to be repressed or shoved back out of the way or fought against in order to really change...I'm talking about the you that is just that - you...


When you are trying to change - it's not until you are in a "real life moment" that you find out if you've changed or not. For when the old you wants to show up it happens in real time - when the most natural response is the one you've had for years...the words most wanting to come out - are the ones you've used for a long time...the emotional reaction is the one that's causes damage or at least offers no healing in the moment...


Change happens when you dig down & allow God to cause a new word to be spoken...a new response to be offered...a healing to take place...

Oh, and by the way - whoever said that you can change any habit in your life within 28 days either lied or I'm totally missing this one...

For me - to truly change is a slow...painful...gut wrenching...mind numbing activity that has to be monitored almost constantly...I know I've really changed when I no longer have to think about it...When the "new" becomes the automatic...Then I know that I've changed...


And so, I'll keep fighting to take a step in the right direction...believing that a journey of a 1000 miles really is comprised of nothing more or less than a whole lot of steps...Some of which are so small - that other than the accumulation of them - they amount to little to nothing in & of themselves...

So...



Another step...

If Today Was Your Last Day

I'm a music lover...I get a lot out of music...

A song that is high on my list right now is by Nickelback - If Today Was Your Last Day...Check out of the lyrics (in blue) - if you have an ipod - do yourself favor & get this song...

My best friend gave me the best advice...he said each day's a gift & not a given right...leave no stone unturned...leave your fears behind & try to take the path less travelled by...that first step you take is the longest stride...


If today was your last day& tomorrow was too late...could you say goodbye to yesterday? would you live each moment like your last? leave old pictures in the past? donate every dime you had? if today was your last day...


Against the grain should be a way of life...what's worth the price is always worth the fight...every second counts 'cause there's no second try...so live like you're never livin twice...don't take the free ride in your own life...


If today was your last day& tomorrow was too late...could you say goodbye to yesterday? would you live each moment like your last? leave old pictures in the past? donate every dime you had? would you call those friends you've never seen? reminisce old memories? would you forgive your enemies? would you find that one your dreaming of? swear up & down to God above that you'll finally fall in love? if today was your last day...


If today was your last day...would you make it up by mending a broken heart you know it's never too late to shoot for the stars...regardless of who you are...so do whatever it takes 'cause you can't rewind a moment in this life...let nothing stand in your way...cause the hands of time are never on your side...

If today was your last day& tomorrow was too late...could you say goodbye to yesterday?would you live each moment like your last?leave old pictures in the past?donate every dime you had?would you call those friends you've never seen?reminisce old memories?would you forgive your enemies?would you find that one your dreaming of?swear up & down to God above that you'll finally fall in love?if today was your last day...

It's just a song that helps me refocus & believe in each day - again...

Another step...

When Doves Cry

On Sunday, May 3 2009, my world pretty much came crashing in. For the sin in my life had been exposed & the tremendous consequences were being realized.

I'd like to share how, in one of the deepest darkest moments of my life, God found a way to speak to me in a way that I'd recognize & accept.

I was sitting on my back deck & felt like Al Pacino in the movie Scarface. You remember? At the end of the movie his world falls apart - because of him - that was exactly what I was feeling...my world was falling apart because of me.

I felt alone...depressed...broken...confused...angry...lost...disoriented...etc... (you name it & if it's negative - that's what I probably felt that day). As I sat in that "funk" - kind of in a zombie mode - God decided to speak to me! Isn't that incredible!? That He would even care to speak to me at all...But anyway...

I'm an outdoor lover...I love nature. I've often found God moments in nature - so it doesn't surprise me that He'd use nature again to speak to me.

As I sat in a chair, slouched down to where my head was looking into the sky, a Dove came & landed out in front of me. So what - right? Well, I've never seen a dove in my backyard like that since I've lived in the house for 6 years. And not just a dove - a Mourning Dove. Next time you get a chance - listen to one - they sound very sad - like they are in mourning for something - or in this case - someone...As soon as it landed I thought "that's a strange place for a dove". Because I knew I had never seen one there before. Well, in a flash - about 6 - 8 more immediately landed all around the first one - like cued to a moment in time. And they all started mourning...crying...

So what - right...Blah blah blah blah...A bird landed in your yard...Well, you see - the Dove is symbolic of God's presence or Spirit.

It rocked my world deep inside me. A dam broke from within as I started to cry deep from within. Not tears of remorse - they had been flowing until about tapped out.

No...these tears were
tears of being loved when you feel like you are the most unlovable person on the planet at that time...
tears of being amazed that God would care to "send me a message"...
tears of how amazing grace really is...
tears of - you have got to be kidding me right now...do you know what I've done - did you send them to the right person?

In that moment, I heard God whisper something very deep to me...

Bob - I weep for you right now...I weep with you...I weep over you...
Bob - I too am broken today...my hearts broken too...
Bob - My presence is with you - even now...
Bob - it's true - I'll never leave you nor forsake you...

I'm telling you - it was a mark your calendar kind of moment...It was a moment that transcends everything of earth & is driven into your spirit. A moment that no one & nothing can ever take from me...

When the doves cried - I'll never forget the way God reached out to me when I needed it most - again...

So...

Another step...

At the Risk of Offending...

So...

One of my greatest challenges is the feeling of being under a microscope in ways greater than "before", because living under a microscope pretty much comes with the territory of being a pastor. But now, it feels amplified many times over.

Not in general, as if everyone is staring - though I do feel that at times too. NO, would you like to know where/how...? By the "religious police". Those that are: holding stones...looking for ammo...not feeling the grace thing...etc... And, I don't feel this overall, as in every area of my life - but it's in one area in particular. It's where God is speaking life back into me again... And, it's specifically in scripture - believe it or not.

How so?

Well, I feel like I have a handle on "what I've done". Trust me - the feelings/thoughts that have been a part of my life the last few weeks are not pretty. So, I think I've got the whole "you really screwed up" thing down...It's called sin - not a screw up - yup - got it...

Now, concerning scripture. I (like you) feed on the Word - its the subjective voice of God for each of us. It's "daily bread". And now that I'm trying to rebuild/recreate/restart/redo...it's not the "you're going to hell now" scriptures that help me. I've read them & dealt with that with God - and am still dealing with it ongoing.

Rather, it's the: there's Hope in Jesus...Jesus forgives...Don't quit...etc...These are the scriptures that are now helping me actually believe again...

Here's the rub - when I want to share a scripture that is helping me - I hear in my heart the "religious police" saying things like: He didn't read far enough...he left the next part out on purpose...he didn't include all of it...etc...

So, I'm struggling w/in myself in this area. Do I let people know what God's saying to a sinner to help them rebuild their life from ruin at the risk of offending the "religious police" or do I say nothing to not offend & also not have the potential of helping...

Still not with me?

John 3:16, 17 says For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.

But keep reading v. 20, 21 says For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God."

See what I mean? I'm personally reading it all - I get it...But the one that is helping me rebuild is the loved me & is not condemning me stuff now...

So, at the risk of offending the "religious police" or those that don't want me to forget...or can't forgive...or feel as though it's too early for God to be good to me - I'll share.

Just in case another fallen comes along & needs to know that when their world truly falls apart... There is a Grace that is sufficient...
That where sin did abound - Grace did much more abound...
There is a God that still loves...
There is Hope in Jesus...

So...

Another step...

Wire by Third Day

A song that always struck a nerve in me is the song Wire by Third Day. It talks about a high wire walker drawing a crowd & as he walks the wire - wondering "what if I fall?". What exactly would their response be...why were some of them there...what were their real motives...

Read the words of the song...(all in blue)

Turn on the spotlight, strike up the band...Everyone’s looking my way...They came to see the excitement firsthand and hear all that I’ve got to say...

Oh, it makes me wonder what if I slip, will they catch me or watch me fall?

I am walking on a wire...I tiptoe in through the fire never looking down to see that I am walking on a wire...The pressure’s getting higher but I don’t look around...

Everyone roots for the winner...The others well maybe next time...

Your time at the top only lasts fifteen minutes...Then they just leave you behind...

Oh, it makes me wonder what if I slip, will they catch me or watch me fall?

I am walking on a wire...I tiptoe in through the fire never looking down to see that I am walking on a wire...The pressure’s getting higher but I don’t look around it’s so far to the ground...

Strange stuff...Now, obviously, it's more than a song to me...

The answer to the question he asks is YES.

So...

Another step...

New Prayers Old Prayers New Prayers

While talking to God (AKA Praying) yesterday...I realized that over time I had quit praying a couple prayers I used to pray all the time...

Here they are

1 - I used to pray words from a song "I bow my knees before your throne...I know my life is not my own..."

That prayer always reminded me that I am on this earth for HIS purpose & not mine. Somewhere that prayer just got lost...

2 - I used to pray that God would "break me" & then ONLY pick up the pieces that were for HIS glory.

I always pictured myself as a vessel God would pour through. In wanting to be a vessel of honor - I wanted to be exactly what He created me to be. Again - another prayer that just got lost.

3 - I used to pray that I would die daily & that He would increase in me. Like John the Baptist said - Jesus must increase & I must decrease.

I always pictured Jesus as increasing His capacity in my life. Somewhere that too got lost...

4 - Even with a vibrant prayer life I, like the disciples, would ask Jesus to teach me to pray.

I always believed that prayer is so much more than drudgery. Yet, without faith engaged - it's psychobabble. Therefore, I'd ask Jesus to teach me what prayer really is - so I could truly get to know Him more & more. This prayer too was lost along the way.

One thing I know is absolutely true for me - as my prayer life goes - so go I. If it's good - I'm good...If it's not - neither am I. Looking back, I see that my prayer life had become little more than rescue missions for Bob from time to time & not really a practicing relationship with Jesus, my Savior...Lord...Master...

So, yesterday, as my spirit was renewed at His feet (again), each of these prayers were prayed again & what a moment it was as God led me back to some things that have been lost along the way.

So...

Another step...

Galatians 6 - Crazy Stuff...

Potentially my last lesson taught at FAM was Galatians 6. I'd like to reflect on a couple parts of the lesson I taught w/subsequent thoughts in blue.

Ga. 6:1, 2 says if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted. (2) Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ...

The passage teaches us to restore the fallen - considering ourselves while doing so. I taught that we should treat the fallen the way we would want to be treated if we ever fall.

Thought - Little did i know that w/in 72 hours - I'd need that in ways greater than ever in my life & little did I know where that would or more importantly would not come from. Amazing!

Verse 2 means that we should help the fallen bear the burden until they are restored...

Thought - Never ever live your life so that it (any part of it or your destiny) ends up in someone else's hands. That my friend is a miserable thing & place, for no matter what - not everyone is looking out for your best interest.

Ga. 6:7, 8 says Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. (8) For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life.

The passage teaches the "Law of Identical Harvest". Whatever seed you plant is the plant that's going to grow. It's a law or principle (meaning unbreakable rule).

Thought - Trust me - this is absolutely 100% true. Your "seed" will eventually become a harvest in your life. For me, my challenge is now the next verse. Verse 9 says And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. I now have to "replant" my life's field & I have to do so long enough & consistently enough to over take the "old" harvest. "Do not lose heart" means to not give up hope - that is a tough one right now.

Additional Thoughts

Don't EVER forget relationships are more important than religion. I have seen religions fangs & "it ain't pretty".

There are no delete or rewind buttons in life.

Satan is a serpent not a rhinoceros...

Nuff said for now...

Journey On...

Lots to Say - But Will ONLY Say What Needs to Be Said

In the next several months I will be on a journey...

A journey with God to the center of my universe - my heart.

If the 1st few steps are any indication - there will be many steps - some of which are very difficult & some of which are very liberating. But either way - step I will.

In the last couple weeks - I have had a couple "God moments" that have literally blown my mind & I have had moments where my faith was so shredded that it was gasping for air or worse.

I have learned a great deal already (about God...myself..others...) - not all of it's been pretty & some has been very ugly - but I have learned.

In this journey, I will share:
that which needs to be shared...
that which is ONLY helpful...
that which might benefit others...

I will not have any other agenda than to:
journal the God (& other) lessons for ME...
record personal insights from them...
share...

I am determined that I will complete the race...I will finish my course...I will fight a good (better) fight..

So...

Journey

In the next several months, I will take a journey I've never chosen to take - a journey deep within myself - with God.

I plan on allowing Him to access parts of me, mainly being somewhere deep in my heart, that believe it or not - He's never had full access to. I'm not saying He's not had my heart because He has - there's just a piece of it that He's never had, because it's been very isolated and protected from not only Him - but from everyone - including myself.

I have no idea how to make or allow this to happen - but I am trusting in Him alone to do this. I will fully participate as I learn how - again trusting Him to teach me.

Somehow, I will be a different and better person in the future than I am today and ever have been.

The story of the Phoenix (being reborn from its ashes) is my icon for this journey…

So... Let the journey begin...

Bob