Tough Not Being Me

For me, one of the toughest things to "gut out" is to truly (I mean really really really really) change.

I'm not talking about some big life event change...or some emotional change...or some brief change - that only disappears over time or in the real life tests...Typically what we call change is this thing that happens for awhile - only to be lost over time to the old habits again...Nope - I'm not talking about nor looking for that type of change...

I'm talking about changing somewhere deep within...Somewhere where you can't see or touch or really "get too", yet you know it's in there. I'm not sure if it's in your heart...mind...spirit...or somewhere else or in some tiny little corner or in your entire being...But you know it's there for it's the place that literally affects the essence of who you are...what you do...how you talk...how you treat others...how you "do life" in every area...It's the place that's the genesis of how you live...

It's just who you've been for however long & yet the part of you that desperately needs to change...I'm talking about changing in areas that's possibly been you for as long as you have been alive...The you that speaks without thinking...the you that responds automatically...the you that has to be repressed or shoved back out of the way or fought against in order to really change...I'm talking about the you that is just that - you...


When you are trying to change - it's not until you are in a "real life moment" that you find out if you've changed or not. For when the old you wants to show up it happens in real time - when the most natural response is the one you've had for years...the words most wanting to come out - are the ones you've used for a long time...the emotional reaction is the one that's causes damage or at least offers no healing in the moment...


Change happens when you dig down & allow God to cause a new word to be spoken...a new response to be offered...a healing to take place...

Oh, and by the way - whoever said that you can change any habit in your life within 28 days either lied or I'm totally missing this one...

For me - to truly change is a slow...painful...gut wrenching...mind numbing activity that has to be monitored almost constantly...I know I've really changed when I no longer have to think about it...When the "new" becomes the automatic...Then I know that I've changed...


And so, I'll keep fighting to take a step in the right direction...believing that a journey of a 1000 miles really is comprised of nothing more or less than a whole lot of steps...Some of which are so small - that other than the accumulation of them - they amount to little to nothing in & of themselves...

So...



Another step...